Dear Little Boy in my bed

Dear sweet Caleb,

You are sleeping peacefully in my bed, just a few yards from my desk where I work by my lamp on my schoolwork. You hugged and kissed me and asked me to lay down with you and to "no more homework mama. Sleep with me mama" and I kissed you and hugged you and snuggled in your little neck and said I'd just be "over there, nearby you." and I went back to my work and now you are sleeping peacefully.

I want to apologize for the time that I don't have with you, for the moments that I am not able to take to be with you at the degree and level that I want to and that you deserve. I am sorry that I can not spare the 20 minutes to lay down with you and instead try to accomodate your wishes by letting you be across the room from me while I work. I am sorry that I don't come sit with you in the mornings in our quiet time between Zachary leaving for school and me taking you to school. I know you want me to come watch Sesame Street with you, but instead I squish in my shower and dry my hair while drinking my coffee. I am sorry that I can't play hookie with you in the mornings when you ask me to "no work today momma" and instead I struggle to smile at you and tell you that you'll have a great time at school and that everyone loves you.

I am sorry that tonight at the playground when you grabbed my hand and asked me to come play with you that I first sighed because I'd rather sit with the grownups and talk and have some "me time"... but when I got under the playground at the little counter area with you and you started making your bark mulch "cakes for the party" and asked me to help, I realized that I haven't had a lot of those moments with you this past year. I had many of those moments with your sweet brother but those times with you have been limited. I am so busy and I promise I am trying to find the time to spend quality moments with you and that I cry when I am at work or at a birth because I miss you so much. I dearly want to not drop you off at school on the mornings when I need to do my schoolwork and instead take you someplace to play and spend time together. But instead I prioritize and realize that I need study time those mornings that I don't do clinics and I hope to spend quality time with you after school, if nobody has a baby.

So sweet boy, I hope you know someday that I am doing this not just for me, but for you. I hope that my new career will let me be home at the bus to pick you up most days and let me go on field trips with you and to set a schedule to not work full summers. I hope that you'll look back and not remember the 36 hour stretches where I am gone at a birth, but instead will know that I love my new work and that I love you. I hope that you'll realize that you can have a dream and that you can follow it, even if you are 35 years old with 2 other degrees and a career or two under your belt and it doesn't always make a lot of sense. I hope you'll be proud of the work that I do and know that I always think of you and wish that I could have the time to spend with you that you deserve.

I love you sweet little Caleb.

Goodnight,
your momma