What a difference a year makes

1 year ago... things have changed so much. It is amazing to me to realize how many things began to change a year ago. 1 year and 4 days ago, I started tearing up and crying inside Rootin' Ridge with Rebecca when I saw a customer purchasing a rocking armadillo with a child's birth date on it. I looked over at Rebecca to see if she was crying as much as I was and realized she was just smiling at the sweetness instead of getting all weepy. Oh no, I thought, I'm pregnant. And then I said it to Rebecca, whose eyes looked like they might pop out. Then that evening I put down my glass of champagne at Dinner Club because I had this overwhelming realization that I might be pregnant, even if I still had a few days until I should have been worried. I came home and began to smell mysterious things around the house. I felt lightheaded. I was peeing more. So on my birthday, I drank a glass of wine, ate soft cheese and cold cuts and later that night as we were going to sleep, I woke Greg up and told him that I thought I was pregnant. The next morning, I sent him and Zachary out to the drugstore. In a few short minutes, the two pink lines popped up. And the emotions and feelings that washed over me that short moment of time were overwhelming.

But since that time, 1 year ago, we have grown as a family. Not only in numbers, but in identity in who we are as a family. I truly have left the early years of being a free to roam on my own behind me. We are bonded as a family unit and all decisions revolve around being this family. It isn't just that we think of the kids first, it is that Greg and I have grown into this role of family. Before children, we were 2 married people floundering through life, looking for a purpose. Sure we had freedom to play, to sleep late, to be selfish. But now, especially now that we are a family of four, we have purpose in being family.

Two children complete the family. We are done and are only moving forward in time. Never again will my children be this small, this young. I will never have babies in the house again. My babies are only getting older and more independent everyday. I embrace it but look at these small people with bittersweet nostalgia. I look forward to them growing up and establishing their friendship and learning who they are inside, but I will miss the smallness of them.

In 1 year I have also found a new purpose. A year ago I was applying for jobs and trying to decide what I'd do this fall for work. Then we find out I'm pregnant and I put those ideas on hold. Then I decide that it is time for me to let go of hoping to figure out what I'm doing for a career and to stop searching and expecting the answer to just happen. I close that door and realize a window has opened but that I'm not going to go look out. In this process, I open myself up to allowing new ideas to formulate without me consciously observing and controlling them. So when an "hallelujah" finally does hit, I'm so blown away by the impact it has on me that I realize that these crazy ideas might actually be the "it" I've been wanting.

So in 1 year, I've given up seeking to control portions of my life and give in to being a mom and then find new inspiration. Inspiration in the small child and the tiny baby. Inspiration in forming a family that enjoys the slow moments of life and grows together in respect and love. Inspiration for personal happieness and creative outlets. Inspiration to try new ideas out and to allow myself to grow in directions I never expected 1 year ago.

Thank you Caleb for being that motivation to me. I was blessed to be surprised by you.b

Thumbs

Caleb is officially a thumb sucker, although he still enjoys our pinkie finger. And now that he's cut a tooth and has a 2nd one coming in, he has occasionally bit his finger. Poor little guy.