Moments bittersweet

I am just not sure which of the many moments are the most bittersweet or which ones are strumming my heartstrings more, but they all are working together to make this sentimental mama feel growing pains and a filled heart tinged with nostalgic tears. My boys are growing up, getting bigger, becoming independent, staying sweet and dreamy and full of boyful joy, but still growing up. It is just bittersweet. Like the tangy icing I make on their birthday cakes each year, made with bittersweet chocolate that provides a pleasant bite to the sweet and expected inside of the chocolate... These boys moving along in their lives and leaving behind their yesteryear selves shocks me.

Today Caleb is two. Today was a big day for a little boy. For me, it's now about him, not about my experience two years ago having him. I had my birthing-rite passage and the epiphany, none of which I could have had I believe without having had Caleb join our lives. Caleb's sweet smile, his verve for life, his deep soulful brown eyes of quiet knowledge have allowed me to move forward on my path and I stand here and watch him on his. Today he woke up and climbed out of our bed with his usual sleepy enthusiasm for life and Greg and I both proclaimed simultaneously that he LOOKED bigger, taller, a new boy. Two years ago I feel asleep with a new baby cradled in my arms at my breast in my bed, snuggled into the newness of life and wondered who this small creature would become. Today I kiss his head goodnight again after I peep in on them again and I think I know a little more of who he is. He is so familiar to me but then I am still so surprised that he is here. He got bigger overnight.

And then Zachary, my sweet little bird. He is leaving the nest on Monday, for Kindergarten. I am thrilled and scared and uncertain and elated. For him, for me, for the people's lives that he will touch and who will inspire him. His world is so BIG right now. Everything he does is BIG. Five is a year of immense learning experiences and enthusiasm for the new and for accomplishments. He lost 2 teeth last month, he learned to snap his fingers last weekend, he is swimming and diving, he tries to turn cartwheels, he is reading and spelling, he thinks he is old enough to cross the street by himself and to make his own decisions. But he is still small enough to tell me he is afraid of going to Kindergarten because he doesn't want to leave me for the whole day, every day. He tells me he will miss me and he'll miss Caleb. He cries that he won't have playdates anymore and that he can't watch TV. And then he walks confidently into his classroom, which he finds himself with the school map and walks straight up to his new teacher, tugs on her shirt and says "Hello. My name is Zachary Griffin" and stands there, owning the classroom. He is so BIG and still my little bird.

Today I know that they are moving forward. So am I. This week is going to be big. and bittersweet.